Rincewind at Hogwarts
by Acendant
Summary: Chapter 8 at long last. Sorry the update took so long, Rincewind is facing his toughest challenge yet, the Defence Against Darks Arts teaching job. Hope you enjoy. R'n'R please
1. Explosions, metaphysical and otherwise

_Authors note; Writers block leads me to all kinds of wierd and wonderful things. This started off life as a short little piece about the wizards of Unseen University havung breakfast and was never going to be published. It just refused to stay put!_

_Disclaimer; Discworld and all characters belong to Terry Pratchett, Harry Potter and all characters belong to JK Rowling. Both are considerably richer that I am

* * *

_

Rincewind at Hogwarts

The day started out pretty much the same as any other. A casual observer might be quite bored by it; all the days seemed to start out the same way. Variety obviously woke up later. Mornings at Unseen University, Ankh-Morpork, always started the same way. Breakfast. This was considered serious business among wizards and was treated with the utmost importance. It was by no mere coincidence that most wizards were roughly spherical in shape. Mustrum Ridcully, Archchancellor of Unseen University, was in particularly high spirits this morning. There was no good reason for it, but nobody was complaining. He was just starting his third helping of porridge with sugar and honey, and little raisins mixed in, when a rather tired out Ponder Stibbons, Head of Inadvisably Applied Magic, stumbled into the hall.

"Oh dear, looks like he's been up all night. Bunch up man, make some room! Dean, pass that bacon down, there a good chap" said Ridcully jovially. The other wizards glanced at each other as they did so. Ponder was probably the most hardworking wizard the university employed (that is to say, the only one who did any real work). If he had been up all night working on something then there was a pretty good chance that they may end up being expected to do something too. Ponder ended up sat between the Chair of Indefinite Studies and The Bursar, who cooed merrily in greeting then went back to blowing bubbles in his tea. Ponder dropped his head onto the table as the bacon that Ridcully had asked for came near.

"Tired out eh? Poor fellow" said Ridcully. The Chair of Indefinite Studies gave Ponder a nervous look; if he was this tired then he must have been working hard. Ridcully gave Ponder time to revive before pressing for details.

"So, what have you been working on?" Conversation had been a bit dull this morning, unless you counted The Bursar's impressions of a Spanish dancing girl before they had managed to get him to take his dried frog pills that is. Ridcully wanted something interesting to talk about. Ponder managed about half a cup of tea in one gulp before answering.

"HEX picked up something weird last night. It took me until this morning to figure it all out"

"Well, what was it!" asked Ridcully.

"I'm not entirely sure, but it looks like another universe" Ponder had plenty of time to finish his tea and a piece of toast before this registered in the minds of the other wizards.

"What, do you mean like those parasite dimensions you were on about?" asked The Dean

"Is that where all the wasps come from" asked the Lecturer in Recent Runes.

"Wasps? Do you even know what you're talking about?" The Senior Wrangler argued.

"Wasps are parasites, where do you suppose they go every winter?"

"They all die off. Everyone knows that!"

"But if they're all dead then how come they always come back in summer?"

"Onion rings, onion rings. They are most peculiar things" sang The Bursar for no apparent reason. Ponder continued.

"It nothing at all like the alternate dimensions that exist. In those places it's only little things that are different, there could be one where goldfish can read minds, or one where the Bursar makes sense, or maybe even one where The Patrician actually likes people!" The Dean actually shuddered when Ponder said this; there are some things that no sane mind should ever consider.

"In this alternate universe everything would be completely different. Different people, different places…"

"And a sane Bursar?" asked The Dean, unable to get that horrible thought out of his head.

-

Rincewind had never much enjoyed spending too much time on the University grounds. Things tended to happen in the university that didn't tend to happen elsewhere. When was the last time that, say, The Watch house had been burned down by a dragon? Rincewind stopped, that had actually happened. Things did tend to happen wherever Rincewind went. His only hope was that they were little things that had only tiny amounts of mortal peril involved. Or, even better, no peril whatsoever. The sound of hundreds of tiny feet followed Rincewind as he headed down to the library. Those tiny feet all belonged to a large box made out of sapient pearwood that followed its master everywhere. Rincewind just called it The Luggage, and seeing as he was its master it followed him everywhere. Rincewind was a dangerously skinny man by normal standards. Normal standards would classify people like Ponder Stibbons and The Bursar quite healthy. But by Wizard standards both were classed as seriously underweight. One can only guess how Rincewind was considered. He was headed to the Library because logically every other wizard in the place would be at the dining hall. He really wanted to avoid any more comments about how severely thin he was. He actually made it through the door before he realised the fundamental flaw in his plan.

"Oook!" Said The Librarian in mild surprise. There was a wizard in his library at ten am; usually the wizards were working their way through third helpings by now.

"Don't worry; I'm not going to touch the books. I just wanted to find somewhere to hide for a while" Rincewind said glumly. The Librarian gave him a smile that was not entirely unsympathetic, but also had a healthy dose of suspicion thrown in for good measure. Or, at least, as close to one as a simian face can manage. Rincewind found himself wondering why it was that he liked being an orang-utan on a permanent basis. The Librarian had refused every attempt to turn him back into a human.

"Oook" Said The Librarian. Rincewind just nodded.

-

Somewhere else, at the same time, lessons were being conducted. The wizards at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry began its day considerably earlier than its counterparts in the alternate dimension. The Gryffindor timetable for this morning read thus;

9.00am - 10.00am, Divination. 10.00 am - 12.00am, Double Potions.

Suffice it to say, Harry Potter was not in the best of moods. He was sat at the back of the class, at the table closest to the door so that he could escape quickly at the first sign of the end of the lesson. At this exact moment a tall, black and greasy figure was flapping around the dungeon like a giant bat and explaining, for the umpteenth time, that mixing ingredient A and ingredient B would result in half the lab being blown to pieces and in what was left of Neville Longbottom being expelled so fast that time would have to go backwards. Beside him, Harry could feel the hand of Hermione Grainger raise itself in protest, could feel the ginger head of Ron Weasley try to bury itself in the desk because he knew that Professor Snape's inbuilt radar would detect the insubordination, and could hear the words forming before Hermione had even opened her mouth.

"What is it, Miss Grainger" Snape hissed like a venomous snake. Hermione pressed on with characteristic suicidal tendency

"Professor, Neville hasn't even begun to make the potion yet! Don't you think you're being unfair?"

"Unfair, am I? Let's see, I'll make that fifty… no, ten points from Gryffindor. That seems fair" Snape began in silky tones. The colour drained from Ron's face as Snape said this. The Potions Master wasn't quite finished yet.

"Longbottom, to the front of the class. You are going to make the potion all by yourself. And when you fail to do so I will subtract the other forty points and start thinking about detentions. See how fair I can be?" A thin little smile cut its way across Snape's miserly face as Neville shakily made his way to the front. At that point the door opened, and a round faced man trotted into the room.

"Ah, Professor, I was wondering if I could have a moment of your time. Oh dear, what's happening here?" He said in a voice like honey, sickly sweet and sticky.

"You would be our new Defence against Dark Arts teacher, Professor…?" Snape's words could have frozen lava. Harry watched in silence as the man shivered under their force. He remained by the door.

"Short, I am Professor Short, and I was…" Snape cut him off

"I'm sorry Professor Short, but I am in the middle of a lesson. Longbottom, you may begin now"

-

Ponder massaged his temples as he tried to explain it for the seventh time.

"No. There is not another Discworld with a nice Patrician and a sane Bursar and there are definitely not other versions of wizards there". It had sounded like an argument the first few times, now it just sounded tired.

"You mean it's a Roundworld with a nice Patrician, sane Bursar and other versions of us there" Said Ridcully with the air of one who had solved an impossible puzzle. Ponder gave up.

"Yes, yes, why not?" He muttered. The Archchancellor beamed.

"Well, if there are other wizards there, why don't we say hello?" Asked The Dean.

"What a good idea! Of course! It's terribly rude of us to know that they're there and not say hello after all!" Ridcully declared as he generously seasoned his bacon with his world famous Wowwow sauce. A substance that could easily be classified as a biological weapon of mass destruction. The other wizards gave this a look and began to shuffle away in their seats as fast as they could. All except The Bursar, who picked up a couple of spoons and placed them underneath his chin.

"I'm Mr. Spoonlegs, my name is Mr. Spoonlegs, they call me Mr. Spoonlegs, 'cause I am Mr. Spoonlegs!" He trilled. The Dean screamed.

"Stop him, he's doing Spoonlegs again!" With that the man dived across the table in a mad dash to grab the spoons before The Bursar reached the chorus.

-

This is what happened. In the universe we shall refer to as the Roundworld Neville Longbottom tried his best to mix the potion while professors Short and Snape argued over the heads of the class. A combination of raised voices, nerves and butter fingers resulted in Neville dropping an entire bottle into the cauldron. An entire bottle of a substance that he should only have used one drop of. Meanwhile, in the Discworld 400lb of The Dean flung itself down the table aimed roughly at the spoons that The Bursar was currently dancing with. He missed. He hit the Archchancellor, or more accurately, he hit the Archcancellor's bottle of Wowwow sauce and sent it flying across the room where it shattered on the floor. In both universes everyone had the good sense to duck. Now, two explosions in two different universes are not that uncommon a phenomenon, and would have passed unnoticed were it not for one extra factor. The explosion in Unseen University made Rincewind leap into the air and knock over several old Grimoires that The Librarian had been cataloguing. The books flapped wildly and several spells escaped before The Librarian could stop them. They mixed together and added themselves to the two explosions to create a third, bigger one. That was what caused it.

-

Professor Short picked himself up off the ground, or rather, the part of him that felt that it should be standing upright did. Looking around, he got the distinct impression that something was amiss. For a start he seemed to be in a library instead of Professor Snape's classroom. And he felt strangely light, as if a great weight had been removed from his soul.

HMM, THIS IS UNEXPECTED. A voice spoke these words, yet at the same time Short's ears denied hearing them.

YOU WOULD'NT HAPPEN TO BE EUGENE SHORT BY ANY CHANCE? That eldritch voice spoke again.

"That's right" The man said as he turned around. The figure was seven foot tall, hooded and cloaked entirely in black, except for the hand that held the scythe. The hand was skeletal and white. Eugene Short felt a lump in his throat.

THERE SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN SOMETHING OF A MIX UP said Death. IT APPEARS THAT AN INTERDIMENTIONAL PORTAL HAS BEEN OPENED BETWEEN OUR TWO UNIVERSES. THERE IS A REASONABLE EXPLANATION FOR THIS BUT I'M AFRAID IT ALL GETS A BIT METAPHYSICAL

"A mix up? You mean I shouldn't be dead?" Hoped the soul of Eugene Short

YOU SHOULDN'T BE DEAD HERE. UNFORTUNATELY YOU WERE PULLED THROUGH TO FILL A GAP LEFT HERE BY SOMEONE OR SOMETHING FROM HERE ENTERING YOUR REALITY. EITHER WAY, YOUR LIFETIMER RAN OUT TODAY. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS THAT YOU ARE HERE RATHER THAN THERE. Death tried to explain. Professor Short seemed to understand.

"They told me the job was cursed, you know, but I didn't listen. Oh well. So what happens now? Do I go back"

THAT WOULD MEAN THAT SOMETHING FROM YOUR SIDE OF THE PORTAL WOULD HAVE TO COME BACK TO KEEP THE REALITIES IN BALANCE. UNFORTUNATLEY IT'S A BIT LATE FOR YOU TO BE THINKING OF THINGS LIKE THAT. HOWEVER, I AM CONFIDENT THAT OUR AFTERLIFE IS JUST AS GOOD AS YOURS.

-

As the smoke cleared in the potions lab three figures collapsed in a heap by the door. Snape's eyesight cleared up for him to see that Potter, Weasley and that idiot Short had vanished. In their places were an Orang-utan, a large chest with hundreds of little legs and the thinnest, scruffiest little man Snape had ever laid eyes on. The man, dressed in raggedy robes that once upon a time may have been red and a hat with the word 'WIZZARD' embroidered in it, looked around with the air of one who would like to wake up now, thank you very much. He caught sight of Professor Snape, muttered something that sounded like 'minblewimble', and fainted.


	2. A new job?

The smoke cleared in the Library of Unseen University, revealing three figures. The first was tall and gangly, with shocking ginger hair. The second had unkempt black hair, emerald green eyes and a thin lightning scar on his forehead. The third was dead.

"Oh my God! Harry, what just happened? Where are we?" Ron gasped in a choked voice.

"I don't know… oh no" Harry had just found the late Eugene Short. Behind him he heard Ron give a faint whimper of terror.

"Harry, you don't think that… You know…" Harry cut him off sharply

"Don't say it Ron, please just don't"

Harry took a minute to survey the surroundings. He and Ron were in the biggest Library that he had ever seen in his life. This one made the Library at Hogwarts look like a bookshelf by comparison. Ron stood over the body of their former teacher, unsure of what to do. Harry couldn't shake the feeling that the books were somehow looking at him. AS if each and every one had a pair of eyes that were peering into the depths of his soul. As if they felt that something was amiss.

"I do spy these strangers three,

Hiding in our Library!" A voice called out, shocking Harry and Ron back into life. More voices followed.

"Somebody shut him up! We're supposed to be all stealthy!"

"It's not my fault; the explosion set him off again. There are only so many dried frog pills a person can take"

"Well, what are you waiting for, give them to the man. I don't know how much more of this rhyming I can take"

"Ssshhhh!"

"You ssshhh!"

Harry drew his wand and gestured for Ron to do the same. He then backed slowly against a bookcase. The book behind him snapped, making him leap forward. The book strained against the chain that held it to the shelf. Its neighbours rustled their pages in an attempt to escape. Ron cried out in surprise.

"Ha-ha!" A man shouted triumphantly as he leapt out in front of them, brandishing a staff like he meant business. Harry wasted no time. He cast his wand like a sword.

"Expelliarmus!" he called out. Nothing happened. The man looked confused.

"Ron, my wand isn't working. Ron?" Ron said nothing. The reason was apparent. Two more men were stood by him. Both had staffs. Another three men entered the Library. One walked with an air of command. One walked backwards, and the third, let's just say that Harry Potter got to experience just what it felt like to be an average wizard who has just watched Harry Potter walk into a room.

-

Rincewind awoke feeling warm and comfortable. That was all the evidence he needed to know that something was very wrong. He kept his eyes closed and tried to convince his brain that it wasn't time to be conscious yet. A weight settled itself on his tiny chest. In spite of himself he opened his eyes only to be confronted with the sight of large yellow teeth and breath that could strip paint. Rincewind promptly shut his eyes and desperately probed his mind for that comforting blackness that it had just shrugged off. A voice directly above him said "Ook?".

Rincewind opened his eyes.

The Librarian was sitting on his chest; his wide yellow grin filling all of Rincewind's field of vision.

"Oook!"

"We all know that you're awake, there's really no point in pretending" Said a kindly voice. Rincewind looked over at the speaker. It was an elderly man wearing purple robes and half moon spectacles. His long white beard reached down to his knees.

"Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry, at your service" He introduced himself.

"Rincewind, just Rincewind. Where did you say this is?"

"Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. More specifically, the school's hospital wing"

Rincewind looked around the room, taking in the beds and curtains for the first time.

"This isn't Unseen University?

"Unfortunately no, Your Librarian here explained the situation to me" The Librarian Oooked appreciatively before helping himself to a nearby student's bowl of fruit. Dumbledore continued.

"Madam Pomfrey, our nurse as it were, rather objected to having an Orang-utan here. She said it was unhygienic. I brought you some chocolates as a welcoming present however I'm afraid that your trunk ate them" Rincewind followed Dumbledore's gaze to the foot of the bed. In the absence of any nearby wardrobes The Luggage had settled itself at the foot of the bed and was giving the distinct impression of gentle snoring. Or, at least, as good as is possible with hinges and a keyhole. Rincewind suspected that it was just pretending.

"The Luggage, did you say it was called?" Dumbledore asked

"Oook" said The Librarian. The student in the next bed decided that he must have hit his head even harder than he thought. There was an ape eating his get well soon gift and talking to the headmaster.

"So what happened? There was an explosion and next thing I know I'm here" said Rincewind

"Indeed. And there are two students and a teacher missing from here. I think that they will be at your University. However, that does leave me with the problem of being slightly understaffed" There was a little gleam in Dumbledore's eye. Rincewind didn't like it one bit. Every instinct screamed at him to run.

"You are undoubtedly a wizard, you even have it wrote on your hat. A Wizzard, even. I suspect that this is even better. I wonder, would you mind substituting for our Defence against Dark Arts teacher? It's only temporary of course, till we get our Professor Short back, or find a more full time replacement"

Rincewind's brain began to yell at Rincewind, trying to say that this was probably the worst idea ever. Rincewind was barely qualified as an incompetent wizard and now this man who he had barely met wanted to entrust an entire class to him. Rincewind's brain maintained that it didn't want to belong to any organisation that would hire Rincewind for such an important post. Rincewind's tongue betrayed him. The best it would manage was a backwards, spluttering sound.

Rincewind fainted again.

-

Every single wizard in the Library of Unseen University felt their eyes trying to break out of their sockets. Sheer disbelief kept their mouths open but prevented words from escaping. At least, most mouths.

"Oh Heavens to mercy, what are we to do?

"Our dear mister Stibbons has split into two!" The Bursar declared, breaking the spell that had left everyone so dumbstruck.

"Look, the walking backwards I can take, I can even stand the fact that his eyeballs are rotating, but would someone please stop him from talking in rhyming couplets. I swear if I hear one more I'll…" The Dean let the sentence end, thinking that it sounded more threatening. It didn't.

"You'll what?" asked the red haired youth who had appeared in the Library. The Dean scowled. Ponder, on the other hand, was fascinated with his double. The two faced each other. Clearly there were differences. Different heights, different eye colours, different ages, and then there was that scar on the younger ones forehead.

"Ponder?" The Senior Wrangler asked.

"The alternate dimension that HEX found" Ponder muttered, then more loudly, "The explosions must have opened a portal. It may still be around here somewhere"

"Well what are we waiting for, everybody get searching. Nobody leaves this library till we find that portal!" Ridcully announced. The Dean cheered.

"Err, Archchancellor?" Ponder began

"Yes?"

Ponder gestured to their guests.

"Oh right, Ponder, Bursar, you sort this out. The rest of us, get searching. Nobody leaves this library till we find that portal!" The Dean cheered again.

-

After Rincewind had woken up for the second time Madam Pomfrey had given him a foul tasting potion. Now, no matter how hard he tried he couldn't lapse into unconsciousness any more. So it was with great reluctance that he had followed Dumbledore to a small office. Dumbledore told him that it was the office for the Defence against the Dark Arts teacher. Rincewind had asked him why there was no name plate on the door. Dumbledore told him quite calmly that nobody had ever held the job for long enough to need one. Rincewind didn't like the sound of that. Inside the office were lots of books stacked on every available surface and a large cage with a brown owl sleeping inside. The Luggage found itself a nice sturdy wardrobe in one corner but gave everybody present a look of wooden disgust at the amount of books stacked on top of it. It promptly began swallowing the offending items.

"Well, the Luggage certainly seems happy. At this rate I dare say it'll have the room cleared by lunchtime" Dumbledore said dreamily.

"Look, Mr. Dumbledore, sir, you can't seriously want me to be a teacher here?" Rincewind tried

"We prefer the term 'Professor'" Dumbledore explained. As if on cue, two Professors burst into the office.

"Headmaster, you cannot seriously be considering employing that… where is he?" The first Professor started furiously but ended confused. Rincewind was in fact dangling from the chandelier, having jumped so high when the door burst open.

"Ah, Professor Rincewind, I'd like to take the opportunity to introduce you to some of your new colleagues. This is Professor Snape, our potions master, and Professor McGonagall, who teaches Transfigurations"

"Nice to meet you all" said Professor Rincewind, the upwardly mobile.

"Headmaster, you have no idea whether or not this… person is qualified to teach. To put so much trust in him is foolhardy at best" Snape said.

"Oh yes, he's right. You should listen to him" Rincewind called out from his vantage point on the roof. Snape shot him a look of pure venom that almost dislodged him.

"Need I remind you that two students are missing and there is a portal in my potions lab?"

"Yes, I'll need to take a look at that. And I am certain that Mr. Potter and Mr. Weasley, not to mention Professor Short, are all safe and sound at the Unseen University.

"Professor Dumbledore, might I have a moment of your time" said Professor McGonagall, gesturing to the door. She and Dumbledore stepped out, leaving Rincewind alone with Snape. All things considered Rincewind decided that it was probably safer to stay where he was. Snape cast a disdainful look at the Luggage, which paused in mid swallow to scowl at him, then surveyed the rest of the room. Dumbledore and McGonagall reappeared in the doorway.

"I think we had best see this portal" said Dumbledore "Severus, would you mind helping Professor Rincewind down?"


	3. Conversations across dimensional portals

The Bursar had calmed down considerably. He was now walking forwards and had regained control of his eyes but was still prone to the odd bout of rhyming. Harry and Ron had explained to Ponder about what had happened in Snape's class. Ponder had summoned a couple of the university Bledlows to take the body of Professor Eugene Short to a more private room till the necessary arrangements could be made.

"It's uncanny really; the two of them could be brothers" said The Bursar, making Ron jump. That was the first sane thing he had said all day.

"But Harry doesn't have any brothers" he managed. The Bursar nodded

"In your world perhaps, but not in others. Oh dear" Ron watched as The Bursar produced a small pill box from one of the many pockets of his robe. The box read 'Dried Frog Pills'.

"Ha-ha! Found it!" a cry came from the depths of the shelves. The wizards followed the sound to its source. There is any number of ways to describe what The Dean had discovered. For the sake of narrative I shall use the one that the Chair of Indefinite studies gave. It looked like a purple swirly thing with octarine in the middle.

"Gods, Ponder was right, there is a portal" said the Senior Wrangler. Ridcully picked up a stray volume and threw it into the depths before anybody could stop him. It span slowly in the octarine core before it disappeared. A second later, accompanied by thick smoke, a hat appeared. It was probably one red, and hastily re-embroidered where the sequins had fallen off was the word 'WIZZARD'.

"That's Rincewind's hat!" The Dean yelled

"You mean that there are people from here in Hogwarts?" said Harry

"I think he's right, it looks like when the portal pulls something into it from one side it has to pull something else through from the other to keep itself in balance" said Ponder.

"If the Ponders are right then there will be three things from here on the other side. Rincewind, obviously, and his Luggage will probably be big enough to count as a person. Who else?" Ridcully mused.

"My name is Harry" said Harry

"Harry Ponder?"

"Harry Potter!"

"Close enough" Ridcully decided. Harry went to argue some more but Ponder stopped him and shook his head. Ron went over to his friend.

"These people are mental! Harry, have you noticed how all the books keep trying to take off?" Ron asked him.

"The Librarian knows how to calm them down" said the Lecturer in Recent Runes, oblivious to the fact that he had just been called mental, "Where is The Librarian anyway?"

Everyone looked at the portal

-

On the other side of the portal Rincewind was wondering the exact same thing. He wasn't a happy wizard. Snape's idea of helping him down had been to zap him with his wand until he had let go. The portal was in the middle of Snape's dungeon, so that explained his foul mood at least. Unless, Rincewind shuddered, he was like that all the time. Dumbledore and McGonagall were inspecting the portal when Rincewind and Snape arrived. They were just in time for a book to be spat out of the centre. It smacked Rincewind in the head and knocked his hat off. A moment later and it was sucked into the vortex.

"Hey! My hat!"

"How tragic" Snape commented drolly

"Interesting, it draws matter into itself to keep in balance with whatever comes through" Dumbledore said

"And that's where you think Potter and Weasley are?" asked Professor McGonagall.

"Undoubtedly. And now to see how they are" Dumbledore drew his wand and drew a lazy circle in the air, leaving a fine golden trail behind. The circle solidified and transformed itself into two thin mirrors that fit together to form a circle. He handed one half to Professor McGonagall and stepped up to the portal.

"I sincerely hope that whoever threw the book doesn't have butterfingers" he said before he let it go. The mirror spun in the centre before vanishing and being replaced by a small pillbox that was locked in a ballistic trajectory aimed squarely at Rincewind's face. Snape caught it. For one horrible moment the Potions Master looked oddly familiar to Rincewind, who tried to put the thought out of his head. Dumbledore muttered a spell and tapped the mirror.

"Hello there fellows, my name is Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I believe that there has been something of a mishap" he spoke into the mirror. A moment later and a familiar voice answered

"Mustrum Ridcully, Archchancellor of Unseen University, at your service. We appear to have some of your students here" Dumbledore smiled.

"And we appear to be host to one of your wizards and your Librarian"

"Oh dear, well we're going to need him back. The books have gotten used to him, I don't think there's another soul on the whole Disc brave enough to train up for his post"

"Well, we'd best see what can be done. How many people came through at your end?" McGonagall looked a little confused, the man had said 'the whole disc'. What did that mean?

"Well, err, three, but ones dead. The older one, the boys are quite alright"

"Ahh, well that presents a problem. You see, as I understand it there needs to be an equal amount of exchange on each side" said Dumbledore. There was the sound of muted muttering as this was explained in terms that the wizards of Unseen University understood. The muttering grew into bickering. Finally, over the noise, there was an answer.

"Excuse me sir, but from what I can see the portal pulls objects through at random to correct the imbalance that occurs by sending something through. At the moment there's no guarantee that we can safely switch people from one dimension to the other in any predictable manner. There's already been one death because of this and I don't think that we should rush into things without understanding what we are dealing with a little better"

"An excellent point, Mr…"

"Ponder Stibbons, sir"

"Yes. You bear quite a resemblance to young Harry" Dumbledore observed. "Anyway, we are agreed that while we don't know what will happen if we try sending people through portals, there are all perfectly safe where they are until we can eliminate as much risk as possible"

"Yes sir, I think that would be for the best" Ponder agreed. In the background a voice that Rincewind recognised as The Dean was saying that "Rincewind is a skinny chap, isn't he? Why not just send through some old rubbish for him? He can't weigh that much"

"Dean! We are not sending any rubbish through any portals! Or have you forgotten what happened last time?"

"That was different. For a start it wasn't a portal to another… wossname…"

"Dimension?"

"That's the one"

Dumbledore smiled and nodded into the mirror, and then he put it down on Snape's desk.

"Well, I think that settles it. Professor Rincewind, the students have been excused from Defence against Dark arts classes for the rest of the day, and there is a Hogsmeade trip planned for tomorrow so you will have plenty of time to prepare. I also feel that you may want to get yourself some provisions, a new hat and so forth. As I understand it several house elves have tried to unpack your Luggage and have disappeared, as it were" Rincewind didn't answer. By the looks of things he was definitely trying to faint again but the potion he had been given was still in effect

"Err… I just… go… go… and prepare… just go and… and…" he babbled as he backed towards the door. He reached the door. He ran. Snape made a disgusted sound and left the room. That left Dumbledore and McGonagall.

"Professor, you knew. Didn't you?" She asked.

"Knew what Minerva?" said Dumbledore with a smile

"About Harry and Ron. You offered Rincewind the job before you contacted his universe"

"Harry and Ron are safe there, in the last place anyone could possibly imagine looking for them. Now, I was thinking that someone should accompany Rincewind tomorrow. Miss Grainger possibly?"

Professor McGonagall nodded.

"I see" She said.

-

The wizards were still arguing.

"And then we found that the other side came out in the attic! Can you imagine it?" said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. Chair was the right name for him, Harry reflected, it was the way the man dressed and the fact that he was roughly chair shaped. Harry felt a barely suppressed urge to rummage for loose change every time he looked at the man.

"What are they talking about" Ron asked The Bursar

"An incident years ago concerning Archchancellor Weatherwax." He explained the finer details quietly. Ron looked incredulous.

"Are you sure you've had enough of those pills?" he asked.

The wizards continued to ague among themselves. Mainly over what would happen without the Librarian. Harry, Ron, Ponder and The Bursar withdrew to a safe distance.

"So, if this is a different universe, how come you and me look so much alike?" Harry asked Ponder, who had been wondering this too.

"I've been thinking about this and I have a theory. What I think is that there is only a limited amount of ways that matter in a universe can arrange itself. While the number may be extremely high there are still times when one pattern can look so similar to another that it can be hard to tell the difference"

"Harry, this is creepy, he's like you with Hermione's brain!" said Ron

"I'm sure that it is very interesting, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to interrupt your discussion" said a voice from the door. Every wizard turned slowly to face the tall thin figure dressed in black.

"Now, would one of you gentlemen mind explaining to me why you are blowing holes in my city? I was under the impression that that was the Alchemists job" said the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork, Lord Havelock Vetinari.


	4. Patricians and Potatoes

Rincewind found himself back in the office of the Defence against Dark Arts teacher. So far he had saved the owl from being eaten by throwing it out the window when the Luggage came too near. The owl had flown away, realised that it didn't have a letter to deliver, and had come back to stare at Rincewind until he sorted the whole mess out. Out of pity Rincewind had tried to guess it's name, but so far 'Birdie' and 'Feathers' hadn't had any type of result. As a matter of fact, Professor Short hadn't named the owl. He had kept it just in case but had never actually given it any jobs to do. After Rincewind had run out of what he classed as bird names he had started to run through every name he had ever heard. The owl seemed to like the name 'Cohen' and refused to answer to anything else now. After a while it began to sink in that Rincewind didn't have any jobs for Cohen the owl to do, so he shook his tail and went to the Owlery; a little disgruntled about being woken up but nonetheless pleased about being let out of that stuffy cage. Rincewind watched him go and wondered what it would be like to fly before dismissing the idea as stupid, he was afraid of heights, or more accurately, the part that came a little while after the whole 'falling from a great height' thing, more commonly known as hitting the ground. He reached up adjust his hat, and then remembered that it was now all comfy cosy back in its proper dimension. He let out a sigh.

-

The man stood before Harry was tall and dressed in black. His hair was black and the air temperature dropped a few degrees around him. There were differences, just like between him and Ponder. His hair was better groomed than Snape's and he had a beard, he walked with a cane and his nose was in proportion to the rest of his face whereas Snape's nose dominated his. There was something else that set this man apart from Snape. It took Harry a little while to realise what it was. The Wizards of Unseen University were as one shaking at the knees, all except the Bursar who seemed to have decided that this was the perfect opportunity to believe that he was in fact a tea strainer and not a wizard at all. Ron gulped loudly, while it was obvious that this couldn't be Snape there was enough of a resemblance to give the young wizard nightmares about twin Snapes for months.

"And you have guests too, I see" he said smoothly.

"Well, you see Your Lordship, it's like this. We had a little accident this morning and we kind of accidentally opened a portal to another dimension. That's where these two are from" Ridcully tried to explain, indicating Harry and Ron. That was when it hit Harry. Ridcully had called him 'Your Lordship'. The biggest difference between this man and Professor Severus Snape was that while Snape could threaten you with detentions and expulsion there was no end to the amount of punishment that this man could inflict upon you should he feel you deserve it. The Patrician cast his steely gaze over the two of them.

"They don't appear to be the tentacle covered, flesh eating demons that you usually seem to have coming out of the walls here" he said thoughtfully as he tapped his chin with the handle of his cane.

"Oh, no sir. They're wizards from their universe. Oh where are my manners. Boys, this is our Patrician, Lord Havelock Vetinari" said the Archchancellor.

"I take it that wizards are somewhat younger where you come from?" Vetinari addressed this to Harry and Ron but it was Ridcully who answered.

"Students, sir, they're students. This is Harry Ponder and… err… what's your name?"

"Ron Weasley. And its Potter, not Ponder" said Ron. Harry was starting to suspect that Ridcully was never going to grasp that simple concept.

"Yes, Harry Ponder and Ron Weasley-Potter. You'd have to be really thick to get that mixed up!"

Vetinari raised an eyebrow in an amused manner.

"Err, your Lordship, if I may, we, that is… Harry, Ron and I, we have to consult HEX. Harry tried a spell when he arrived that didn't work and we need to find out why" said Ponder

"And all three of you need to go?" asked Vetinari

"Yeah, err, Ponder doesn't know what the spell was meant to do, and he may need us to try again. Demonstration purposes" said Harry, proving himself just as good as making up excuses on the spot as Ponder. Vetinari held his gaze for just a fraction of a second too long; again hammering home just how different from Snape he was.

"Very well, but don't go too far. I may need to talk to you later". With that Ponder lead Harry and Ron out quickly.

-

Rincewind was now considering barricading the office door and sending Cohen the owl down to the kitchens every now and then to steal food, if he ever came back wherever it was he had gone that was. He went over to the wardrobe and sized it up. It was one of those old wooden ones that looked like it weighed a ton. He rattled it to find out. It wasn't as heavy as it looked, it was heavier. That was when the door opened.

"What are you doing?" said a young voice. Rincewind looked around for the speaker. It turned out to be a young girl who had very bushy hair.

"Who, me? I'm not doing anything, nothing at all" said Rincewind a little too quickly

"Right. I'm Hermione Grainger. Professor Dumbledore told me about you, Professor Rincewind"

"Oh no, I'm no professor. I'm not even a proper wizard, I don't have a hat!" Hermione gave Rincewind a condescending look. It was clear that she'd rather be doing something else.

"Professor Dumbledore told me about the other universe, and he's asked me to act as a guide for a while" Again there was something in her tone of voice that gave away the fact that she wasn't happy about this. Rincewind often heard this tone when people were talking to him.

"You don't have to, you know, I'm used to being in strange and unfamiliar places with no idea of how I got there so if you think that you'd be better off elsewhere don't worry about me" he said, trying to sound reassuring and failing miserably.

"Oh no, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound rude. I'm just worried about my friends, Harry and Ron. They're in your universe and I'm not sure how they're going to get back" said Hermione, genuinely shocked that she may have inadvertently offended a teacher.

"Oh, well that's… that's… right. They're at the Unseen University" said Rincewind. Hermione nodded.

"Dumbledore says that they'll be safe there" she said

"Well, yes. As long as they stay away from the Library, and the Archchancellor, and that room that doesn't exist, and the Archchancellor. Speaking of libraries, you wouldn't happen to have seen an Orang-utan anywhere today, have you?"

"Err, no, I haven't" said Hermione, trying to work out what he meant by this.

"Well, do me a favour. If you see him don't mention the word 'monkey'. He doesn't like it"

-

Dumbledore had decided that dinner would be a little early today, seeing as there were some important messages to give to the students. Hermione led the way to the great hall. The Luggage, thankfully, stayed in the office to finish clearing the books. If the jewel in the crown of Unseen University's crown was its Library, then Hogwarts was its Great Hall. The four tables for the school houses, each one decorated in its respective house colours, stretched the length of the Hall leading up to the fifth table where the teachers sat. Candles floated in the air of their own accord, unlit at the moment, but when it got dark they would glow like a thousand stars. And then there was the ceiling. It was impossibly tall and arched, and it took Hermione three tries to explain to Rincewind that it was enchanted to match the sky outside. Today the sky was warm and sunny and full of fat clouds that promised rain later. Once Rincewind had picked his jaw off the ground for long enough to look around he spotted the Librarian Up at the head table talking to what looked like a giant.

"Ah… ah… ah…" stammered the scrawny wizard, pointing stupidly. Hermione grabbed his outstretched arm.

"Hagrid!" Hermione called out, dragging Rincewind behind her, who was still stammering.

"Hermione, who's that you got there?" the giant asked.

"Oook" said the Librarian.

"Oh, so that's Rincewind. Pleased to meet yer, Rubeus Hagrid, groundskeeper and Care of Magical creatures professor. Yer Librarian's been telling me about what happened this morning" Rincewind merely stood in a stunned silence.

"Is he always like this?" asked Hagrid.

The Librarian shrugged and said "Ook"

The Hall was filling up now, with students and teachers and, to Rincewind's horror, ghosts. Hagrid and the Librarian pushed him into a chair between them as Hermione went to take a seat at the red table. Finally, once everyone was settled Dumbledore stood up. Instantly the general chatter that spontaneously occurs any time large groups of people were in a room together stopped.

"Ahem, I know this is a little unusual, but then again, anyone who was in Professor Snape's potions class this morning will already know that it has been an unusual day" Rincewind spotted Snape at the other end of the head table and was instantly glad that he had the massive bulk of Hagrid to hide behind.

"Now, first of all, before the rumours begin. Yes, Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley are no longer on Hogwarts grounds" Was it Rincewind's imagination or were the students sat at the green table sniggering, "There are, in fact, spending some time in The Unseen University of Ankh-Morpork. Unfortunately, Professor Short has also left us to go there. Taking over as substitute Defence against the Dark Arts teacher is Professor Rincewind, who is from Unseen University"

Hagrid slapped Rincewind on the back, making him stand up. There was a round of applause form the students, although Rincewind noticed that the green table seemed somewhat reluctant. He sat back down.

"A few more messages, we are also playing host to the Unseen University Librarian, who as you may notice, prefers the form of an orang-utan. I have been reliably informed that anyone using the word 'monkey' in his presence will be needing Madam Pomfrey to reattach their arms. And there appears to be a portal in Professor Snape's Dungeon. So until further notice, potion classes will take place in the Great Hall. I must warn you however, that Professor Snape had placed all manner of protection charms on his classroom to prevent any unauthorised access. I have no idea what spells he has used so I would advise you to keep your curiosity in check. Now, I promised an early dinner"

Dishes full of food magically appeared on all the tables. Rincewind found himself face to face with a plate piled high with mashed potatoes and butter. A small tear formed in the corner of his eye.

"Here, are you all right?" Hagrid asked. The Librarian ooked softly and pushed the plate towards Rincewind then patted him gently on the back


	5. Rincewind's wand

Is it possible that there exists some great Being whose sole purpose in existence is simply to watch how things happen so that they do actually happen? On the Discworld this job is taken up by the History Monks; or the Warrior Monks of Wen if you prefer. Who does this job in the universe that Hogwarts exists in? And if there is, would he or possibly she, or even it if your that way inclined, be particularly interested in the lone figure currently trudging his way through the heavy rain that the clouds had decided to deliver. His hood was pulled up high over his face and he kept his body hunched up against the cold. His face wasn't visible. The supposed Watcher would have seen him stumble his way into a small dreary pub and nonchalantly make his way to a small table at the back somewhere. Once there he took off his cloak and sat down. He had a thin, gaunt, scruffy face that was nonetheless familiar. Had this face been seen in Ankh-Morpork the person doing the seeing would now be scanning the surrounding area for antisocial travel accessories. There was no trunk with hundreds of little legs following this man, and he didn't have his doubles timid, world fearing look. What he did have was the look of a man with nothing to lose. A second man approached the table and sat down calmly. He whispered something to the man who would be Rincewind in another world. He looked around conspiratorially, and then carefully pulled back the sleeve of his robe to reveal a mark on his arm. A fresh burn in the shape of a skull with a snake coming out of its mouth. The other man nodded to him and then showed him an identical mark.

"We've lost contact with our agent in the School" said Rincewind's double. The other man glanced around the room.

"Can we still continue with our plan?" he asked

"I doubt it. Dumbledore must have suspected something. In his last report Short mentioned a Hogsmeade trip tomorrow. That could be our chance" said the doppelganger.

"I won't fail" said his companion.

-

Would the Watcher be interested in all this? Or would there be other things happening at this moment to hold his, her, or even its attention?

-

The unexpected rainfall had also occurred in Ankh-Morpork. Had Ponder and Hermione been put together in the same room they would probably have come up with an explanation for this and still had time for crumpets and tea. As it was, Ponder had to do the best he could with Harry and Ron. The question of parallel rainfall never came up interestingly enough. Ridcully found them in the High Energy Magic building. Harry and Ponder were stood in front of HEX. Ron had disappeared behind it, fascinated by something that Ponder had called 'The FTB'

"Are you Ponders nearly done? Lord Vetinari is still here you know" said the Archchancellor. Harry and Ron took in the person walking beside him. The person walking beside the Archchancellor was around three foot tall. Harry first thought it was a goblin, but goblins don't usually have such large beards or wear chain mail. The only thing harry could think of was a Dwarf, and they certainly didn't wear leather skirts or lipstick. Did they?

"Almost. It's really interesting, you know? As you know magical energy is carried pretty much the same way light is, and the magical field surrounding the Disc is so thick that light can only travel slowly"

"You mean like that saying they have in Lancre. When it's lunchtime here it's Tuesday in Genua, or something like that" said the person next to Ridcully. Ponder realised she was there for the first time.

"Corporal Littlebottom. I didn't know that the Watch had gotten involved in this" said Ponder.

"The Patrician asked for Captain Carrot, and everyone knows what Commander Vimes is like when someone's giving orders" explained the Corporal.

"Hang on, he's called the Police?" asked Harry

"Police? No, it's called the City Watch here. Lord Vetinari was kind enough to inform us of the situation. We are just as confused about all this as you are" she said to Harry.

"Time for all that later. Ponder said he's figured something out!" declared Ridcully in a voice that said all too clearly that the Watch was something that happened to other people.

"Err, yes. Anyway, magic itself is thick and heavy here. It takes a long time to prepare a spell and then most wizards tend to channel them through staffs to accommodate the weight of the spell. In Ron and Harry's world the magical field must be much lighter than it is here"

"So it takes less time and preparation to work a spell. And a wand will carry the weight just as well as a staff" said Corporal Littlebottom, quicker on the uptake than most of the University staff.

"Exactly right" said Ponder, a little uneasy that it had been a woman who had understood first. Ridcully started to argue something with Ponder. Harry wasn't paying attention.

"So, err, Corporal, do you know what is going to happen while we're waiting to sort the portal out? So Ron and I can get back home?" Harry realised what the words were that he had said. He had often thought of Hogwarts as his home.

"You can call me Cheery" said Cheery, "And I'm not entirely sure. I'm sorry. All I know is that the Patrician still wants to talk to you both"

"So you don't know why he wants the… Watch here? We haven't done anything wrong"

"I'm just as confused as you are" Cheery shrugged.

"You mentioned a Captain Carrot and a Commander…"

"Vimes. Well, Vimes is alright when he's in a good mood, but everyone likes Captain Carrot. He is a really nice person. We'd probably best get this over with. The Patrician doesn't like being kept waiting"

"You're right. Ron, we've got to see the Patrician now" Harry shouted to his friend.

"Just a minute Harry" Ron called back from behind the body of HEX. He scrambled out and followed Harry and Cheery to the door. Neither of them noticed the disbelieving look that found its way onto Cheery's face. Her beard hid it too well.

-

Rincewind was going to find out exactly what Ponder meant soon. At the moment he was sat heavily in an empty fireplace and swore under his breath that if anyone ever mentioned Flue powder to him again he was going to run so fast that he may as well be teleporting. Hermione helped him to his feet.

"Gha…ha…ha…aa" he mumbled just before the young witch pulled him out of the way of the fireplace. A second later The Luggage shot through like a wooden torpedo.

"How did it do that? It can't speak. You can't use Flue powder without speaking" exclaimed Hermione.

"I've never known that stop it" Rincewind muttered. He then looked around the room they had appeared in. Dumbledore had given Hermione permission to be out of classes for the afternoon to help Rincewind with his shopping. They had appeared in what looked like a dressmaker's store.

"Right, you've already got Professor Short's books"

"Err, the Luggage ate them"

"Okay, well you'll need new books. Unless you can get them out" Hermione was smart. She was probably the first girl Rincewind had ever met who didn't consider the Luggage 'adorable'.

"You could probably do with some new robes too, and you'll need a wand" she continued

"And a hat. You're not a proper wizard without a hat" Rincewind said loudly. The storekeeper heard them and came over.

"Excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear. We have a large selection of hats over here" she said. Rincewind smiled weakly.

-

Lord Vetinari had commandeered Ridcully's office for the duration. He sat back in the Archchancellor's chair and gave the target directly over the Bursar's desk across the hall a look, then glanced down at the crossbow sitting innocently at the foot of the desk he was sat behind. At that moment His Grace, The Duke of Ankh Commander Sir Samuel Vimes entered the room in a storm cloud of foul temper.

"What is the big idea? So the wizards blew something up instead of the alchemists. How does this rate as more important than my officer's investigations?" he shouted.

"Commander Vimes, I do believe I requested Captain Carrot" Vetinari gave no indication that there was currently a man shouting at him.

"Well I got here first. I am not leaving until I find out what this is about" Vimes voice went so far though being cold that it burned.

"Oh good, I sent Drumknott back to the palace to complete some errands for me. And I could probably use a second opinion" he said calmly, annoying Vimes even more. Before he could respond Cheery Littlebottom knocked on the open door.

"Your Lordship, Commander, the boys are here" she said, catching Vimes' eye as she did so.

"Send them in" said Vetinari. Harry and Ron came in.

Vetinari sat back behind the desk. The Watchman in the battered old armour stood beside him with a disbelieving look on his face. Harry had seen that look a million times before. The look that said 'Is that him?' Then Harry realised something as the Watchman reached for his cigarettes. He wasn't looking at him. He was looking at Ron.

"Sorry I'm late. Did I miss anything important?" said a cheerful voice behind them. Harry turned around. And then he knew why. Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson was a lot taller than Ronald Weasley, he was a lot stronger too, but Harry could have sworn that they were brothers.

-

Rincewind had never really thought about wands much. He hadn't even thought about them at all recently until Hermione had led him into Ollivander's Wand shop. They had bought some new robes and he had found a hat that was red, covered in stars and was in a style that had went out of fashion some twenty years ago. There was no writing on it but you couldn't expect everything. Rincewind was more than prepared to take a needle and thread to it once he had found some sequins. After some gentle coaxing and the promise of an ice cream the Luggage had let them get the books that they needed without going to a shop, and Hermione had thought it a good idea to get Rincewind a trial subscription to the _Daily Prophet _newspaper. That left the wand.

"Ollivander's is the best for wands. I got mine here when I started at Hogwarts" Hermione was explaining when a creepy man appeared from the shadows cast by the boxes piled high.

"Ah, Miss Grainger, and you would be Professor Rincewind, am I correct?" Rincewind didn't have a chance to answer him, and wouldn't have if he had. Hermione sat down in a spindly old chair.

"I am Mr. Ollivander and you are here because you need a wand. Which is your wand hand?"

Rincewind made a few noises in the back of his throat and held up the hand he wrote with. Ollivander picked up a tape measure and started measuring Rincewind, who hadn't moved an inch.

"Most wizards usually buy their wand when they start school. However this is a rough business, magic, it's not that unusual to need a second"

"So how do I pick…" Rincewind began

"Oh no, they may do things differently where you come from but here it is the wand that chooses the wizard. Try this. Unicorn Hair and Yew, nine inches" Ollivander pressed the wand into Rincewind's hand. He glanced at Hermione who nodded, then, feeling very stupid, he waved it about. Nothing happened.

"No. Phoenix feather and redwood, eight and three quarter inches" said Ollivander, taking the first wand and replacing it with a second. Again nothing.

"Hmm, Dragon heartstring and ash, seven inches" said Ollivander, replacing the wand. Still nothing. Rincewind felt stupider than ever.

"Ah. Dragon heartstring and cedar, thirteen inches"

"Oh no, not thirteen. It's bad luck…" Rincewind began as he took hold of the wand. A burst of magic shot out of the end. It hit a pile of empty boxes and made them levitate.

The potion Rincewind had taken to stop him from fainting had worn off by now. He hit the floor.


	6. Tea with Hagrid

Smoke drifted lazily from the cigar in Vimes' mouth. He hadn't moved at all since Carrot had walked through the door. Harry and Ron were both silent. Vetinari sat patiently and wrote some notes on a piece of paper he had nearby while waiting for everyone's brains to catch up to their eyes. It was Carrot who spoke first.

"You wanted to see me your Lordship?" he said cheerfully. The wide smile on his face gave no indication as to whether or not he knew that Vimes was giving him a look of utter disbelief. The Patrician smiled and nodded to him.

"Yes, I can see that I was correct. Wouldn't you agree Commander?" Vimes didn't answer

"Right about what, Sir?" good natured ignorance filled Carrot's face. Vetinari raised his eyebrows; he didn't look at Vimes, who was now looking like a man in serious need of a good wall to punch.

"You look like, Harry, He looks like…" Ron stammered

"Oh, that. Well it's really not that surprising. Lots of people look like other people. Just because you're from a different universe doesn't mean that you have to look completely different" said Carrot. Ron's eyes bulged.

"It's not like with me and Ponder. Then it's just little things that are different" Harry tried

"You noticed. Yes, you and Mr. Stibbons do bear an uncanny resemblance. The similarities between Mr. Weasley and Captain Ironfoundersson are a little less obvious but they are there all the same" said the Patrician

"Wait, you're saying that the wizards have made a universe where everybody looks like somebody here only not exactly?" Vimes wasn't convinced

"Oh no Commander. It already existed" Carrot quipped

"Speaking of wizards. Archchancellor, if you are going to attempt to eavesdrop would you please have the decency to at least try to hide?"

Ridcully sheepishly poked his head around the door. The Dean followed suite, so did the Lecturer in Recent Runes, The Chair of Indefinite Studies and the Senior Wrangler. A strange whooshing sound coming from down the hall could only be The Bursar.

"Any more?" said Vimes irritably. He threw the stub end of his cigar out the window. None of the wizards answered him.

"Look, is this going to take long? I've left Detritus in charge at the yard. If I'm not back soon he'll have the new recruits running to Uberwald and back"

"He's right, Your Lordship, Sergeant Detritus has taken a very literal approach to Cross Country running"

For some reason Vetinari didn't look all that surprised.

"Very well, I shall not keep you long. There is one thing though, the matter of accommodation. I doubt that the faculty here will be able to focus on their usual dealings and be able to sort out this portal business at the same time" Vetinari paused there for just a fraction of a second too long, "If they are charged with the responsibility of looking after our guests" This went straight over Ridcully's head.

"Of course sir, not to worry! We'll have these boys home in a jiffy!" Vetinari raised an eyebrow. Ridcully opened his mouth, about to press on, heedless of the warning signs. Carrot saved him

"Perhaps they could stay with Commander Vimes and Lady Sybil? I'm sure you wouldn't mind. Right Commander?" Vimes looked on the verge of protesting. One look at Vetinari and he shut his mouth.

"Capital" said the Patrician

-

Rincewind was back in what he supposed was now his office. Hermione had left to get her homework sorted out, but she had promised to come back later and help him prepare for his first class. He looked at the wand they had bought. He didn't like it. It was thirteen inches long, which as unlucky. It had dragon heartstring inside it, and dragons were scary. And while he couldn't think of anything wrong with cedar, he was sure that given time and enough reference materials he would find something. The wand now sat idly on the desk. It had refused to do any magic since the store. Rincewind was starting to suspect it had taken pity on him. A huge knocking on the door broke him out of his peaceful panic. Hagrid found him gibbering under the desk.

"'Ullo Rincewind! I came to see how yer doin'" he boomed cheerfully as he plucked the wizard from his hiding space. The Librarian was also there. He seemed to have taken quite a liking to Hagrid.

"Got any plans for yer class tomorrow? Well, not tomorrow, there's a Hogsmeade trip tomorrow. But after"

Rincewind gulped. The Librarian Ooked.

"Is that so?" asked Hagrid

"Well, yeah. There's a lot more to running away than just running. Anyone can run, but running away has a certain art to it" Rincewind explained.

"Well, I'd have words with young Hermione if I was you. Smartest witch this school ever had, you mark my words"

"You all seem really calm about this. Some of your people are in Ankh-Morpork and nobodies panicking" Rincewind ventured. Despite his size, Hagrid was really an alright person.

"If Dumbledore says they're alright, then they're alright. Great man, Dumbledore. Mind you, Snape's not best pleased at all. Bit sore that it's in his classroom, I reckon. Then again he's never happy, that one" Rincewind was silent.

"Here's an idea! Why don't you and Hermione come down to my hut for tea? Give yer a chance to get sorted. And bring that Luggage as well. The Librarian's been tellin' me all about it"

-

Harry Potter had faced dragons, he had fought against the Dark Lord Voldemort, and he had endured Snape's potion classes and Draco Malfoy's petty jealousies. He had faced Dementors and Werewolves and his Aunt and Uncle. But nothing in either world could have prepared him for the sight of Corporal C.W. St J. 'Nobby' Nobbs. After the decision had been made that Harry and Ron were to stay at Lady Sibyl's Nobby had been sent to fetch a coach and had decided to see what all the fuss was about.

"'Ullo" he said, smoking a three week old dog end and leaning on the coach as Vimes, Harry and Ron approached.

"What is that!" asked Ron, genuinely shocked

"That is the reason you don't leave your belongings in the Watch House unguarded" said Vimes

"That's unfair" said Nobby. Harry was intrigued

"So, what are you?" he asked. Nobby shrugged.

"Got a letter here from the Patrician. Says I'm human" he said, producing the paper in question. Harry was brave enough to face dragons, but he wasn't brave enough to touch something that Corporal Nobbs had kept so close to his body.

"Staying at the Chief's house eh? Lady Sybil's alright, just keep an eye on those swamp dragons. The males tend to explode more easily this time of year" said Nobby

"Err… thanks" said Harry

"Didn't know you knew about dragons, Nobby" said Vimes

"Been thinking about getting another Errol for the Watch House" was Nobby's explanation. Vimes gave him a suspicious look.

-

Hagrid's hut was close to a large forest that Rincewind didn't like the look of. Hermione insisted that they were fine here. However, she did warn him against Hagrid's cooking. Hagrid and The Librarian already had a pot of tea ready when they got there. Hermione had spent the last half an hour trying to get Rincewind to master some basic spells but so far nothing was happening.

"It's just like back home! I spent so long carrying that spell from The Octavo around in my head that all the other spells are too scared to stay there. It's been gone for years now but I still can't do any magic!" Rincewind protested.

"You managed the levitation charm before. I know you can do it again!" Hermione pleaded. Rincewind gave in and tried again

"Wingardium Leviosa!" he tried, waving his wand at a feather Hagrid had plucked from one of the partridges he was preparing for supper. The past few times he had tried this nothing had happened. He expected this time to be no different, so when the feather shot into the air and exploded no one was more shocked than Rincewind.

"See! Hermione can teach anyone!" Hagrid crowed

"It must have gotten sick of my voice" Rincewind muttered once he had recovered. Hermione smiled.

"The Hogsmeade trip is tomorrow, so we have all day to teach you properly!" she beamed.

Rincewind could feel his stomach sinking, and it wasn't the stoat sandwiches


	7. Morning is broken

_An apology - I haven't updated in ages, mainly due to the fact that I've been chasing various bits of paper from here to evermore trying to sort out a college application and I haven't had much time for writing. Although this chapter does have one of my favorite moments out of everything I've ever written it is still just filler while I try to track down my notes for the story which seem to have sprouted legs. grrrrrr

* * *

The Sun rose brightly and shone down on another glorious morning on the great city that is Ankh-Morpork._

Err… Let's try that again, shall we?

The Sun cautiously poked its head through the early morning smog and gave a suspicious look towards the great blight on the face of the Disc that is Ankh-Morpork.

All throughout the city life was meandering along as is its fashion. Assassins, Thieves and assorted undesirables settled down for a good day's sleep, while regular folk peered warily around their doorframes before deciding whether or not it was safe to venture out. A drunk awoke on the River Ankh and trudged his way back to the shore, thankful that the crust had solidified early this year and that he hadn't sunk during the night.

"Right you horrible lot, today we is running to Genua and back only we isn't coz Commander Vimes says that cross country running isn't across countries. So today we is running round the city and anyone who don't gets their ghoolug heads kicked in and has to run round again" Boomed the voice of Sergeant Detritus shouting at new recruits in the Watch House, quickly massacring any attempt by particularly brave birds at a dawn chorus. Morning didn't break in Ankh-Morpork, it had broken a long time ago and nobody had even attempted to fix it yet.

-

Ron Weasley awoke slowly and vaguely wondered if he had quidditch practice today. For some reason it began to dawn on him that his bed seemed somewhat bigger than it used to. Either it had grown or he had shrunk during the night. Malfoy, it had to be another one of his stupid petty schemes. Making a note to come up with a plan for revenge he rolled over and snuggled back down under the sheets. Was it just his imagination or was there a weird smell this morning too? Stink bombs, he decided. This was going to require something extra special. Maybe Harry would be able to think of something. Where was Harry? Ron opened his eyes and didn't recognise his surroundings. It took him a full five minutes to remember what had happened yesterday. Lady Sibyl had decided that they could have separate rooms. Harry's was next door to his, but the two rooms were connected by an en suite. At that moment the house decided to shake.

"I is here as per for the request of Commander Vimes to give the morning report and to… to… do whatever it is that Commander Vimes is wanting me here for" A booming voice like rocks in a cement mixer declared for all the world to hear. Ron risked a glance at the window and saw what looked like a mountain talking to the butler.

"Very well Sergeant, I shall inform his grace that you are here. Although I rather suspect he already knows" Ron heard the butler say

"Yep! Commander Vimes knows everything round here" The mountain replied proudly. Harry came into the room to find his friend hanging to the window frame

"Harry! That…" Ron said as he pointed to the window.

"That's Sergeant Detritus" said Harry, looking out of the window

"How do you know?"

"I've been talking to Lady Sibyl and Commander Vimes. Ron, you do know what time it is, don't you?"

"No!" Ron gulped. Harry decided to let it go. Ron's gaze returned to the giant outside.

"He's a troll. Trolls here are different to the ones back home. They're a lot smarter for one thing"

"Do they still eat people?" Ron asked

"No, not any more. The Commander says that they can't digest humans properly" said Harry, missing the look of relief that completely failed to find its way onto Ron's face. Outside, they could see Commander Vimes greet Detritus, who thankfully wasn't shouting any more.

"Come on Ron! Lady Sibyl had Willikins get some clean clothes ready. Let's go meet Detritus!" said Harry, a little too enthusiastically for Ron's tastes.

-

The Great Hall at Hogwarts was all set for breakfast. Hagrid had spent the past twenty minutes explaining to Rincewind about the Hogsmeade trip.

"An' a bit later on if Hermione can get you doin' some magic we'll go down to the pub" Hagrid was saying. Rincewind tugged the collar of his new robes a little uncertainly. The material was itchy.

"Look Hagrid, I have experience with magical bits of wood. The wand either just felt sorry for me or it couldn't stand the sound of my voice anymore"

"Nah, wands aren't alive. Not like that trunk o' yours. Fascinating thing that. Wish I could get me one" Hagrid beamed. The Luggage had followed Rincewind to Hagrid's hut last night, where it had sat in a corner while Hermione struggled to get Rincewind to master one of the most basic spells in existence. Hagrid had found it quite boring until it had tried to take a bite out of his leg. Now he was clearly smitten.

"Do you know what Hermione has planned for today?" Rincewind asked.

"Dunno. Here, you're not going to faint again, Are you?"

"Who? Me? Faint? Why ever would I want to do that? It's not like I got sucked through a portal to a different dimension and got offered a teaching job within five minutes?"

"Heh, yer a funny one Rincewind" laughed Hagrid

Rincewind's throat felt dry. He swallowed a huge gulp of tea from the strange mug that had ended up in his general space and had therefore been his for the morning. Maybe it could sense how nervous he was, or maybe he was just really thirsty and the house elves were working overtime, but every time he looked at it the cup was busy refilling itself. He had left a note to the creatures last night warning them about the Luggage and the fate that befell anyone it took a disliking to. Whatever the reason was, the cup had not been emptied once. Rincewind wondered just how much tea he had drank.

"Hang on, here they go now" said Hagrid as the students started to file out of the hall, chatting merrily about their plans for the day. Out of the corner of his eye Rincewind could see the foul profile of Professor Snape glaring icily around the hall; probably deep in thought about ways of killing him off and making it look like an accident. Rincewind was busy mentally counting the ways that a potions master who was holding a grudge could find their own brand of vengeance when Hagrid interrupted.

"I was thinking; why not practice at my hut? It's out the way an' I can make tea"

"Can't Hermione use one of the classrooms?"

"Oh yeah, there's rooms for stuff like that, but Ol' Filtch the caretaker likes prowlin' round 'em while the students are out. Make sure nobodies up to anything or something like that"

"Point taken. Your hut it is!" Rincewind said quickly. Hagrid beamed


	8. Making plans for tomorrow

Vimes had left in a hurry after Detritus had delivered his report. Harry had been a little upset that he had left so soon, Vimes had listened to his tales of his nightmare cousin Dudley and had promised to teach Harry a few tricks to help turn the tables. Still, it wasn't every day that he got to meet a genuine Ankh-Morpork troll. It was a warm day, Lady Sibyl had decided to take baby Sam out into the gardens with her while she saw to the little swamp dragons in the sheds. Ron had been a little less than keen to meet those, so the two wizards were talking to Detritus.

"So youse is from another world where you look like us but not us? That's stupid" said the Sergeant, his cooling helmet whirring into overtime. Harry decided not to press on.

"So what about you? I've never met a troll before" Not technically correct, but Harry was prepared to overlook that.

"Not much to tell, I came down from mountains like other trolls, does lots of jobs then joins the watch. My Ruby say it make man of me. And now I is sergeant and gets to shout a lot. It's a good job" Detritus rumbled

"But don't trolls eat people?" Ron blurted out

"Only stupid trolls do that. It give good trolls like me a bad name" If Detritus was offended by this it didn't show. Ron decided to keep his mouth shut

"So why did Commander Vimes leave so quickly?" Harry asked. Detritus stopped

"Ev'ry sentence we just said started with 'so'" He realised before rumbling on

"Commander Vimes is busy with Watch business. Very important"

Harry and Detritus chatted for a while; eventually Ron even managed to pluck up the courage to join in. All too soon it was time for Detritus to leave. The two young wizards saw him to the gate then found Lady Sybil in the dragon pens. She was dressed in what Harry could only describe as full body armour and was holding down a rather fat little dragon with one hand and trying to get it to take some pills with the other. The dragon responded in kind by snorting flames every time her hand got too close, drawing giggles from baby Sam who was safely behind a protective shield with a little window to look through.

"I'm a little busy at the moment boys" Sybil called to them as they came in.

"Err, we were thinking about heading over to the University, to see if Ponder had come up with anything yet" Ron managed to say before the fat dragon let out a huge burp that smelt of sulphur.

"Froggleton's Stomach Rot. Poor little thing, he's gone right off his coal. See how his flame is a really dull colour" Lady Sybil said by way of an explanation

"Err, yeah, right…" Ron wasn't convinced

"Anyway, it's not even midday yet, some of the faculty might not even be up" the dragon wriggled in Lady Sybil's arms. She took the opportunity to push the pills into its mouth.

"They were all up yesterday" Harry said, clearly confused

"Daylight savings time. It confuses the life out of the poor dears. I'll tell you what; we'll have Willikins send a message to let them know your coming. In the meantime, can one of you hand me that tub of liver salve, I've got a whole pen of Dry Scale to deal with"

-

Fouls smells were also the main talking point at Hagrid's hut. He'd found a pixie infestation in his turnip patch and was indoor brewing up the vilest smelling concoction Rincewind had ever encountered to get rid of them. He had Hermione had decided unanimously that the weather was far too nice to sit inside. They had spent the morning learning some basic spells. Rincewind had so far mastered levitating anything lighter than a teacup, a rather useful little spell for turning a matchstick into another matchstick, and, quite by accident, he had zapped a stray pixie and made it do everything backwards. Rincewind was proud of that one; he had been trying to shake a cramp out of his hand at the time. Now they were discussing lesson plans. Rincewind's plan had been to lock the classroom door and hide under the desk. Hermione had been less than impressed.

"The best way is to play to your strengths. What are you good at?" She asked. Rincewind actually laughed at this.

"Oh, you were serious! Well… err… I guess I've always been good at languages. I can scream for mercy in seventeen dialects"

"Why so many?" said Hermione with a funny look

"Different pronunciations, for one thing. The basic 'Aaaarrrhhhh' sound translated in a few of the more widely used dialects on the Disc can mean 'My face is melting', 'Your wife is a hippo' or, in extreme cases, 'Quickly, fetch more boiling oil'"

"Oh" was all that Hermione had to say about this.

A pixie started buzzing around Rincewind's head. He shook his wand at it, hoping to recreate the backwards spell. Green sparks completely missed the pixie and instead hit a small tree which spent the rest of the day believing itself to be Janis Joplin. Hermione expertly zapped the offending pixie, making it freeze solid and fall to the ground.

"Actually, now that I think about it, screaming is quite useful. There's a creature called the Zebric, it's a type of vampire that lives underground and has no eyes so it hunts by using its hyper developed ears"

"Hermione, I'd like to take this chance to say thank you, thank you very much. I now know what my next few nightmares are going to be about" Rincewind scolded, making Hermione laugh

"If you would let me finish, all you have to do is scream really loudly at them. Sounds that are too loud hurt them, and if you can scream loud enough they pass out"

"Zebrics, eh? Think I've got one or two of 'em out back. Wanna see 'em?" Hagrid called out as he came out of his door carrying a pot of greyish purple goo that smelt of every stinky thing Rincewind could imagine.

"I think I'll pass" he managed to say. Behind them, the small tree happily sang a very good version of 'Me and Bobby McGee' in tree language. It was a shame they couldn't hear it.

-

Various pipes lining the side of HEX seemed to be whistling a tune that the Bursar was merrily conducting with what appeared to be a well chewed pencil. The tune in question was in fact Strauss' 'Blue Danube Waltz', but neither Harry nor Ron were very keen on opera and weren't to know this. The Bursar, in his current frame of mind, would be hard pressed to tell the difference between a waltz and a badly hummed version of 'I'm a little teapot'. Strangely enough, this was the exact moment that the pipe leading to a large jug by HEX's main keyboard began filling it with the familiar brown liquid. Ponder wondered for a moment why Hex had started making so much delicious Earl Grey tea at this time every morning for the past few days. Maybe it just didn't like being left alone. Ponder took the jug and, spotting Harry and Ron, came over to where they were stood.

"Harry, Ron, good morning. Would you like some tea?"

"Tea some like you would. Morning good, Ron, Harry" the Bursar agreed.

"Is he due his dried frog pills?" Ron asked

"Pills frog dried his due he is"

"You catch on quick, what can I do for you?" Ponder asked as he poured the tea into some of the mismatched mugs that seem to breed anywhere that students were and completely ignoring the Bursar

"You for do I can what, quick on catch you"

"We were wondering if you were any closer to figuring out what the portal thing is" said Harry, gratefully taking the tea ponder had offered

"Is thing portal the what out figuring to closer any were you if wondering were we"

"Hang on, this won't take a minute" said Ponder, pulling a small pill bottle out of his pocket

"Minute a take won't this. On hang"

Once the Bursar had been calmed down Ponder was able to talk to Harry and Ron much better. He explained his nights work in long winded technical terms that Hermione would have loved. Harry amused himself during the particularly difficult bursts of technobabble by guessing just how pale Ron's face would go and being amazed at just how wrong he was.

"To sum it all up, I've never seen anything like it before" Ponder finished. "Err, is Ron alright?" Harry waved his hand in front of his friend's face. Ron blinked.

"He'll be fine. Big words scare him, that's all"

"Hey!"

Ponder laughed.

"I wonder what's going on at the Watch House. Commander Vimes left in a hurry this morning, and Detritus had to go too" Harry said aloud.

"I don't know. The Watch is always busy. This is Ankh-Morpork after all" Ponder replied.

"You know what's weird, Vimes is about the only person we've met here that doesn't remind me of someone form back home" said Ron

"Lady Sybil does seem to be a little bit like your mum, Ron, but I figured that was just because she's a mum herself. Who does Detritus remind you of?"

"A more intelligent version of Goyle"

"Comparing him to a troll, eh? Who should I feel sorry for? Detritus or your friend?" Ponder asked

"Definitely Detritus" Harry laughed. That was the moment when the entire building shook.

Outside, a dwarf by the name of Glod Glodsson-Stronginthearm was picking himself up from underneath what was left of the very heavy cart he had been driving. Maybe it was because the weight of the cart was no longer pressing upon him that he now felt considerably lighter than he remembered. He paused to inspect the damage to the cartwheels before noticing a large hole in the wall that he had just crashed into

DREADFUL, ISN'T IT? Said a voice as old as time itself.

"You're telling me. That's going to take some serious repair work. What building is this, do you know?" Glod inquired

I BELIEVE THIS IS THE UNSEEN UNIVERSITY

"Oh dear. The Wizards aren't going to be happy"

NO, THEY AREN'T

As Glod and his new friend watched, several figures wearing black clambered through the hole into the University grounds.

"Rotten thieves. Unlicensed too, I'd wager. I bet they did something to my cart to make it crash" said Glod to the tall figure beside him

THESE THINGS HAPPEN, BUT IT'S NOT REALLY WORTH WORRYING ABOUT NOW said Death.

-

The afternoon rolled on. Hermione had come up with several really good lesson plans. Rincewind was all for the idea of her taking the classes herself but Hermione had been adamant that she was still a student and didn't have the authority. Hagrid had decided that they had done enough work for one day and had offered to take them to the Three Broomsticks for a drink, to which Hermione had replied that she still had homework to do. This was why a giant, a coward, an ape and a wooden box were sat in a booth waiting for their drinks. Rincewind, despite a yellow streak big enough to land airplanes, was the veteran of some of Ankh-Morpork's finest establishments. Compared with the likes of the Mended Drum, where fights broke out so often that you could set your watch by them and drunks were thrown onto the river for fun the Three Broomsticks was a haven. The barmaid even brought the drinks to the table!

"Three pints of mead? Like I have to ask" she held up the tray

"That's mine Rosmerta" smiled Hagrid

"And the Twisted Banana Hammock with extra banana?"

"Ook!"

"That would make the beer yours then" said Rosmerta as she put the drinks on the table

"Err, yes, thanks"

Rincewind looked at the glass in amazement for a while.

"You can see though it! And there's nothing floating either!"

Across the bar the man with the dark mark who had met with Rincewind's double earlier watched in silent shock as Rincewind and Hagrid drank their drinks while the Librarian went in search of peanuts. He had spent the whole day looking for the Potter boy with no luck, and now it looked like the Death Eaters had come up with another plan without him. He waited until they left and followed behind, not noticing the gentle patter of wooden feet behind him. On the outskirts of the village the Orangutan that was with them ooked something that made them both laugh. He ducked behind a tree to avoid being seen and came face to keyhole with The Luggage, and The Luggage was not happy about its master being followed.


End file.
